Why Did You Mess With Forever?
by TowMondler
Summary: In ten years, did Monica and Chandler still have their happily ever after?
1. In and out

Hi! School is finally out! Yay! But finals were a killer, so make me feel better and give me a good review!!!

Disclaimer: Oh, yeah, they're so mine...didn't see that coming did ya? Kidding, they're not mine. 

Joey shifted his weight outside of the door waiting for his old friend to answer. Instead the door opened to reveal a ten year old boy. He had sandy brown hair and the bluest eyes Joey had ever seen. 

"Hey, Tom," he said to the boy. Tom peered at Joey. My godson doesn't even recognize me, Joey thought to himself. "I'm Joey."

"Dad's friend," Tom said simply. He remembered at least, and let Joey inside the house. A girl around seven came bounding through. 

"Hi Lily," Joey said to her. She spun her head around to face him. She had less tact than her brother and put her hands on her hips.

"Who are you?" she demanded. 

"Tom?" He heard Monica's voice ring through the house. "Whose there?"

"It's Joey," Tom answered. Monica came into the hallway and smiled and threw herself on Joey who spun her around. 

"Lil? Tom, you remember Joey, right?" Lily shook her head and Monica sighed at her daughter. 

"Hi Lily," Joey approached the little girl and held out a box in his hand. She looked at her mother who nodded and took the box out of his hands.

"Thanks," she replied as she tore off the lid to reveal a locket with her name engraved on the front. "Mommy, can you put it on me?" Monica nodded and put it around her neck. 

"I have one for Gracie, too," he told Monica. 

"Let me get her," she answered and called the five year old to her. Gracie looked exactly like her mother. The same piercing blue eyes and dimpled smile. Gracie was less enthusiastic than her older sister had been when given the gift, but she still thanked Joey and let her mother put the locket with _Grace _engraved on it around her small neck. Then her and Lily ran off and just the two adults and Tom were left in the hallway.

"Hey, Tom," Monica started.

"I got it Mom, I'll go find something else to do," he interrupted and walked out the front door.

"Wear your coat!" Monica called to the retreating back. 

"Yeah, yeah," they both heard.

"They've grown up so much," Joey remarked.

"Yeah, that happens," Monica replied. "Come into the living room and sit down." She led him into the impeccably decorated living room and sat him down on the couch. 

"How are you Monica?" He asked.

"Some days are better than others," she admitted. "It's been over a year, I think that I should have gotten over it by now." She smiled a slight smile. "Gracie was only four, Tom was nine, and Lily was six." The tears came swiftly and quickly and rolled down her cheeks. "He doesn't know that Gracie dances with Lily now, or that Tom made the All-Star baseball team. He doesn't know that Lily is playing the violin and doing great, or that Gracie wants to take karate and Tom is bugging me for a drum set." Joey moved closer to her and wrapped his arms around her. "He missed so much." Joey rocked her back and forth hoping to get her to calm down. The tears came pouring down her face, though, and she finally stopped when Gracie walked into the room and wondered why her mother was crying. She climbed onto her lap and had her mother hold her. It frightened her, as it did her brother and sister, when their mother cried. She was usually so strong, since it was just her. 

"Are you staying for dinner?" Gracie asked Joey, who looked at Monica and then nodded to Gracie. 

"Sure," he answered and she smiled and skipped out of the room. 

"Come on," Monica said standing up. "We'll go make dinner." She wiped her eyes and went into the kitchen and was followed by Joey who wondered how the perfect family had been broken so swiftly and completely. They had been the Bings, and everyone had been jealous of them. Chandler had been successful and loving, and Monica had been the perfect wife and husband, and their kids, two girls and a boy, well, they were wonderful, darling children. When had it happened? When had it changed for them? For everyone? At what point had they fallen apart? Joey and Phoebe had stepped in and stopped Monica from completely breaking and told her over and over that she had to be strong for her children. They were small and didn't understand what was happening. No one did, how were a four-year-old, six-year-old, and a nine-year-old supposed to grasp that concept when Joey himself had trouble understanding? When the only questions that could be asked were why? Why? It pounded into Monica's head. Why? Why? It took all that she had to remember to breath.

In and out.

In and out. 

In and out. 

As long as she continued to breathe, well, things certainly didn't get better but they didn't make her legs go weak with questions that she couldn't even begin to answer. 

"So," Joey said as he cut up the tomatoes for the salad. "Tom made the all-star team?" Monica beamed with pride, as she did whenever any of her children had done something spectacular. 

"Yes he did," she said and continued to share the details with Joey.

"He's a good athlete then?" Joey asked.

"Yeah," Monica answered.

"He must get that from you," Joey laughed. "Cause Chandler...." He stopped and she fought the tears that came anytime his name was mentioned.

"It's okay Joe, he's still their father, you can say his name," she lied. It was true, though, he was still their father and his name would undoubtedly be mentioned. Monica knew this, but it still was hard to hear his name and know that he was not there with her. It wasn't fair, she didn't quite think. 

"I'm sorry though, Monica." What a statement. That was all she heard from everyone now-a-days. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. She didn't want them to be sorry, they were supposed to be jealous of her. Not sorry! Damn it. It wasn't supposed to be this hard. It wasn't supposed to be easy either, it never had been, but they were happy. They had been happy, hadn't they? She had never questioned her life. And in an instant, a moment, one single night, it was ripped away from her as if it had never been. 

"Don't be," she assured him. "I'm glad that you're here."

"So am I."

"Ross and Rachel are coming," she reminded him. He had remembered, even though he now lived on the other side of the country. Ross and Rachel, though still not married, just dating after two kids and eleven years, lived in the city with their daughter Emma and their son Tyler. Monica and Chandler had automatically moved to the suburbs when she had had Tom. Chandler had gotten a promotion and could afford a nice house, and Monica had been thrilled to pick a house and decorate it. She missed the purple apartment and wished sometimes that she was still there with her friends and Chandler. Chandler. In and out, she reminded herself. Breathe in and out. 

"Oh good, Pheebs?"

"Her and David are bringing the kids," she nodded. Phoebe had two girls, Willow and Harmony. She turned to put the chicken in the oven and then and took Joey's hands in hers. "I'm glad that you could make it." He was overwhelmed by emotion and managed a nod and took her in his arms and rocked her back and forth. 

"Me too," he whispered into her ear. What had happened to his strong friend? In many ways she was so much stronger than she had been, but in others she was so much weaker than he remembered her as. That's what a year does to you, I guess, he thought and he finally let her go and she held onto the counter for support and got out glasses for dinner and set the table. Ordinary tasks kept her from losing her mind, she guessed. She now loved the ordinary tasks that she used to moan about. In and out, she thought to herself. Just in and out. 

__

The next night they were all out to dinner. They had each gotten a babysitter and left their kids at home. Monica looked around the table at all her friends. All her friends that had rushed to her side after Chandler was gone. All her friends that she adored and had so many great memories, but she didn't want to be there with them. After a year they still gave her those, "poor Monica" looks that she hated. 

"You doing okay Mon?" Joey asked softly. "You look sort of out of it."

"Oh, no, I'm fine." She gave a slight chuckle. "Fine." She looked at her watch. She had another twenty minutes before she could leave without looking rude. She had hardly eaten anything, just sort of picked at her plate. Joey was still stuffing his face. Some things never change, she thought to herself. She continued to pick at her plate and then made her excuse and left the restaurant. She was getting into her car when Joey came up to her.

"Are you sure that you're okay?" 

"Positive," she assured him and gave him a kiss on the cheek. "You're sweet Joey. Maybe in a different lifetime you and I would have gotten together." That startled him. Then she laughed to herself. "In this lifetime, though, there's no one but him." She got into her car and drove away and gave a short wave before she left him standing alone in the middle of the parking lot wondering what was going on in her head. 

~*Please review. I have the second part already started and you'll find out what happened to Chandler. But only if I get more than.....um....10 reviews! I mean it people, start typing those nice reviews!*~


	2. Someone has to take the blame

~* Thanks for reviewing, I appreciate it. And Jules, yes the title comes from a John Mayer song which I'm going to use in the next chapter, and I love, love, love him too! I even got to meet him and get his autograph and take my picture with him, I can now officially die a happy girl! Anyway, here is the next part and I bet you're all on the edge of your seats.*~

Disclaimer: Right, so not so much mine. 

Monica woke up the next morning and looked in the mirror. Her hair was disheveled from her restless night of sleep. She rubbed her eyes and sighed as she went out to wake up her kids. Tom was the hardest to wake up, so she walked into his room first and threw on the lights and then threw off the covers. 

"Rise and shine sweetheart," she said to him and he groaned and rolled over and she opened the curtains letting the sunshine filter in. 

"Tom," she demanded. "Up." He moaned again, but she knew this time he was going to get up and she left satisfied and headed to Gracie's room. 

"Baby," she whispered into her youngest daughter's ear. "Get up." 

"Hi Mommy," she said opening her blue eyes and blinking. 

"Hi sweetie pie," Monica said and gave her a hug. "I laid out your clothes for you, so just pull them on while I go get Lily up and then I'll do your hair." Grace nodded and Monica went to her last child's room and opened the curtains and then gave Lily a kiss on the forehead.

"Morning," she told her.

"Morning," Lily mumbled without opening her eyes. "Do I have to get up?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Because your bed will not fit on the bus," Monica teased and Lily sighed and still without opening her eyes threw her legs over the side and stretched. Monica pulled out an outfit for Lily and then left to braid Grace's hair and finish breakfast. Mornings with three kids could be chaotic, but they had it down to a science now and Monica was rarely frazzled in the mornings like some of her friends, including Rachel. She patted Gracie's French braid and gave her a hug as she went downstairs to make breakfast.

"Can I help?" Gracie asked.

"Can you set the table?" Monica asked knowing she could because she had already pulled out the plates and cups and set them on the counter for Gracie to grab. Grace nodded and ran off to set the kitchen table. Tom and Lily appeared a little while later and they all sat down to eat together and then Monica set the dirty dishes in the sink for their housekeeper, Mrs. Martin to clean up and dropped the kids off at school and then went to the restaurant that had been a present from Chandler on her thirty-sixth birthday. It was doing very well and she was extremely proud of it. She walked in and found everything under control, which was a huge help and she went back to her office and sat down at her desk. She glanced over at the empty spot on the desk where the picture of her and Chandler had once sat. 

"Oh, Chandler," she whispered into the empty air. "Why'd you leave?" There was no answer, of course, no one could answer. She was alone. Alone. They had been good together, right? She had been happy and had her kids and she was content. Content. That was one thing she certainly wasn't now. She hugged her arms around herself and wished that she had someone else's arms around her. 

"Move on," she told herself. "You need to move on." She rubbed her temples and fought back tears. Joey's visit had her unglued. Not that she didn't want to see her friend, she did, but he just reminded her so much of Chandler that it hurt. It hurt so much. It wasn't supposed to but it did. 

Joey found Monica's restaurant packed when he and Phoebe went to pick her up and take her out to lunch. She was in the back helping the chef and smiled when they came back.

"Mon? Got time for lunch?" Joey asked. Monica glanced at her watch and then at her employees who nodded and she shrugged.

"Sure," she said and took off her apron and grabbed her coat and walked out the door with Joey and Phoebe.

"Let's take your car," Phoebe said. 

"Why?"

"Because it's nicer," she told her and they climbed into Monica's SUV. Monica pulled out and started into the city. 

"Where are we going?"

"Soho," Phoebe said and quickly looked out the window.

"No."

"Monica."

"No." 

"Mon?" This time it was Joey.

"No. No. No." She repeated it and the tears began falling down her face.

"Pheebs, I told you that this was a bad idea," Joey said looking at Monica was wiping the tears off of her face with her hand. 

"Joey, shush," Phoebe turned around and silenced him as Monica kept her attention on the road.

"No, Phoebe," Monica said so quietly that it was almost inaudible.

"Please, Monica. It's been a year."

"No. I don't want to." And she didn't, how she didn't want to. 

"Fine," Phoebe said and she crossed her arms. "Pick somewhere else." Monica sighed and turned off an exit and they found a restaurant and found a table for three and Monica was so angry with her friends for even suggesting it, that she barely spoke two words the entire time. 

"You're so stubborn," Phoebe said and Monica looked up at her surprised. 

"Why?"

"Because! Because you let it happen." Monica gasped and looked at her friend with betrayal and tears. 

"I...I....I didn't want him to...."

"Oh God, Monica," she said. "I'm so sorry. Oh, God, I'm sorry. I don't know why I said that. I didn't mean it. Of course it wasn't your fault." 

"She didn't mean that Monica," Joey said. "She's just trying to understand it as much as you are." Monica nodded the shock of the words still stinging and her head and heart still pounding. You let it happen. You let it happen. Did they all think this? Did they all blame her? She looked at her friends.

"I need to get back to the restaurant and then pick up the kids," she said standing and practically running out of the place. Joey and Phoebe looked at each other and turned to follow her out. 

"I didn't mean it Joe," Phoebe said softly. 

"I know."

"She must hate me."

"She doesn't. I don't think she has any emotions to spare to hate right now." They climbed into Monica's car and began a silent ride back to Monica's restaurant. They went to get into Phoebe's car and she looked at Monica's tear stained face.

"I'm sorry," she said again.

"It's okay," Monica assured her and went back inside. 

Phoebe danced around Monica the rest of the week and Joey went home. Nothing more was said about that day and Monica had kept the pretenses that she had forgotten all about it. That was a lie of course, she remembered. The words still rang through her head when she was alone at night. She was almost afraid now to close her eyes. In and out, she told herself.

In.

Out.

In. 

Out. 

Don't forget to breathe in and out. It was her mantra that she kept rolling around in her head. Keep your mind on little things and don't let the big things seep into your brain and drown you in their thoughts. That morning was a Saturday so the kids were home with her. Gracie and Lily were playing dolls or something in the playroom and Tom was there with her in the living room watching a movie.

"Mom?"

"Hmm?" She had been reading a book and she looked up from it and turned to her son. 

"Can we get a dog?" It had been Chandler who had always said no dogs, because he had still harbored his fear of them. 

"Maybe," she said and smiled at him. He grinned back and turned to his attention back to the movie. She heard the mail truck outside and got up to get the mail. She stepped out onto the porch and walked down the walk and opened the mailbox. She pulled out a stack of envelopes and as she walked back to the house she glanced at the addresses.

"Bill," she said. "Bill, bill, junk, junk, invitation for Lily, junk." Then she came to a small blue envelope with Tom's, Lily's, and Grace's names written neatly on the front. Her breathing slowed as her eyes scanned it and traveled up to the corner of it. The return address was written clearly and she began to shake as she read the name out loud.

"Chandler Bing." 

~* I know it hasn't quite cleared everything up yet, but it will, so just review and tell me what you thought of it. Thanks!*~


	3. Why did you mess with forever?

*~ Thanks for reviewing. Here is the anxiously awaited third part which, you will be delighted to hear, explains everything and I used finally used the song from which the title came from, well at least half the song. The second part will be in the next chapter. The song, as I said before, is sung by the man, the god, the legend: John Mayer. Kindly leave me a review. Enjoy!*~

Disclaimer: Yeah, see here's the thing...I don't really own them, I'm just using the characters. 

Monica's breath slowed down and she had to sit down on the front porch of her house. 

"Chandler," she repeated. She hadn't heard or seen from him since the first night he left over a year ago. She opened the envelope with shaking hands.

"Dearest Thomas, Lillian, and Grace," she read. "I'm sorry. I don't even know where to begin except to say sorry. I never meant to be the kind of father that my father was, and now...well I've screwed up royally. I know that you're mother will take good care of you, because she's the best mother I've ever known. You won't want or need for anything, except maybe a father. It's been a year since I saw you. Don't think that a minute goes by without you or your mother popping into my head. I miss you all terribly. I shouldn't have left, I shouldn't have. I know this now, but I know that it is too late. The damage has been done, and I am gone. I can't even explain to you why I left, although I tried to explain it to your mother the night I left, so ask her. I'm sure she remembers that night. Tell her that I'm sorry. Tell her that I never stopped loving her. Tell her that it wasn't supposed to be this way." Monica stopped reading and picked herself up and went inside the house. She sat down on the couch and reached for the phone. She dialed the number and then spoke to the person that she needed to.

"Phoebe? Can you come over here?"

"Sure, Monica, but what's the matter?"

"I just really need one of you over here."

"I'm there." With that she hung up the phone and with trembling hands picked the stationary up again to read the rest of the letter.

"I'm in New York still. Your mother, I know, knows this, because she discovered me a few months ago. I have an apartment in Soho, and I have a job as a journalist. Something that I've always wanted to do. I know that you guys will be okay financially, because your mother's restaurant is thriving and I made quite a bit of money over the years and through promotions. I left it all in my bank account that I shared with Monica. I just want you to know that I was thinking about your future. Anyway, I have so many things that I want to tell you and have you understand. But I have nothing to say that can be condensed into a letter. So goodbye, and I love you. Always. Love, Chandler (Dad)." Monica refolded the letter and put it back in the envelope and then closed her eyes and just sat there.

"Mommy!" She heard and opened her eyes again and stood up and hid the letter behind a cushion and walked in the direction of Lily's voice. 

"What's the matter?" She asked walking into their playroom.

"We're hungry," Gracie piped up. 

"Okay," Monica said. Food she could handle, them being hungry, well, she could handle this. Long lost fathers writing letters, that she couldn't handle. Not right now. She fixed them a snack and brought it in to them. The doorbell rang and she pulled it open to reveal Phoebe.

"Monica? What's the matter? Is it the kids?"

"No," Monica shook her head. "Come in." She led Phoebe into the house and found the hidden letter and sat quietly as she read it. 

"When did this come?"

"Today."

"Are you going to give it to them?"

"It was addressed to them."

"Oh Mon." Phoebe moved over to where her friend sat and took her in her arms. 

"Pheebs, I don't understand. Why did he leave?"

"I don't know. What did he say when he left?" Monica had never said. Just that Chandler had left her. Monica sighed not wanting to relive that night, and realizing that she had to. 

__

A year before:

"So honey," Monica said from their bathroom. She was getting ready for bed. Chandler was in their bedroom. "Remember that we have dinner at Ross and Rachel's tomorrow night."

"I can't go."

"Chandler, I told you about this a week ago, and you said that you could make it," she said and she let her hair out of the ponytail and shook it out onto her shoulders and walked into their bedroom. There was a packed suitcase on the floor and Chandler was standing next to it. 

"I can't go," he repeated.

"Do you have a business trip that I forgot about?" He shook his head. There was confusion written all over her face. "Then what's the suitcase for?"

"I'm leaving, Mon." 

"Where are you going? When are you going to be back?" She was piecing the things he was saying together in her head.

"I don't know. And I'm not." 

"You're not what?"

"Not coming back." Her knees felt weak and she sank onto the floor. For once, he didn't come running to her.

"You're not coming back?" She asked again. Pain and confusion were clearly evident in her eyes and she felt the world was spinning. Chandler finally did come over and knelt down next to her. 

"I have to leave. It has nothing to do with you, or the kids. It has everything to do with me and the fact that I can't do this anymore. I can't be a father and a husband anymore. Not that I didn't love every day of these ten years, but I just can't take it anymore." 

"I don't understand," she said softly. 

"I need to be on my own. I need to be away from here."

"Are you just going to leave your kids?"

"I don't want to."

"Then don't!" She screamed and then lowered her voice realizing she would wake up the kids. 

"I have to. I'm no good to you or Tom, or Lily, or little Gracie if I stay." She was crying now, her body shaking with the realization of what was happening. Her husband was leaving her. Chandler was leaving her. He stood up and picked up his suitcase and started down the stairs. She slowly climbed to her feet and followed him as he walked out the front door. She hadn't even noticed that Tom had woken up and was now standing behind her. She was still crying, the tears falling fast and furiously. 

"Where are you going Dad?" Tom spoke up.

"Tom! What are you doing up?" Monica asked. "Go back to bed."

"Where's Dad going?"

"I have to go away for a while buddy."

"When are you coming back?" Chandler looked at Monica. She shrugged, not caring if he looked like the bad guy. He was the bad guy.

"I'm not." Tom looked from his mother to his father and then back to his mother. 

"Is that true? Is Dad leaving?" Monica nodded. "Why?"

"It has nothing to do with you, Tom. I just need some space."

"Can I go with you?" Tom asked.

"No, I don't think so." Monica's heart broke for herself but mostly for her son. 

"But I want to go with you Dad." Chandler came over to him and gave him a hug and a kiss and then put his suitcase in the back of his car and climbed into the front seat. 

"Bye, Tom. Bye Monica." He started the car ignoring Tom's cries and Monica's sobbing. Tom raced after his father's car and when Chandler had finally left the neighborhood he collapsed in the street and Monica walked over to him and knelt down and held him in her arms until they were all cried out. 

_I came back to get my things_

thank you for getting the door

but I don't feel right walking in no more

Nine months later, Monica was talked into going out to dinner in a restaurant in Soho by some of her employees. She was late getting there and ran into the restaurant and found her friends sitting at a table. She had a nice meal with them and then told them that she had to go and got up and left. As she was walking to the parking garage where she had parked her car, she ran into someone. 

"Oh, I'm sorry," she started and then saw who she had run into.

"Monica?"

"Chandler?" 

"What are you doing here?"

"I think I can ask you the same thing."

"I live here," he said softly. 

"Oh." She was shivering and rubbed her hands over her arms. 

"Are you cold? Why don't you come up to my apartment and get warm?" He suggested.

"No thanks," she said. "I have to go relieve the babysitter."

"Oh, how are the kids?"

"They're okay. They're good."

"I'm sorry."

"I see....well, I really don't care, so I'm gonna go," she turned to leave and was almost a block away when she turned back around. There was something else she needed to know before she walked away from him for good. Forever.

"Chandler?" She called. He turned back around. 

"What?"

"Was it worth it? Do you regret leaving?" She waited patiently for his answer and then saw in the streetlight the short nod of his head.

"Some nights." She was angry now, livid, in fact and spun around on her heels and stormed away from there. Away from him and all the memories seeing him had conjured. 

__

It's quiet, I'm cold

I did my crying at home

and I'm numb now

I'm numb now

before I'm on my way

I've one more thing to ask

was it worth the price you paid

for my never coming back?

Monica finished the story and once again was hugged by Phoebe.

"Oh honey," she said.

"I don't get it," Monica said softly. "Why did he leave? I still don't understand. We were supposed to be forever. Why did he mess with that? Why did he mess with forever?" Phoebe shrugged helplessly at her best friend.

"I don't know sweetie," she said. Which was the best she could do. She didn't know, as Monica, why Chandler had decided after ten years to pack his bags and move into the city, not even far, but less than an hour away. It made no sense to anyone, least of all Monica. She wanted him back, and she probably would take him back should he decide to come back and say that he had made a mistake. But he didn't. Some nights. Some nights he regretted leaving his wife and children. Who does that? What kind of answer was that? Monica couldn't comprehend. She didn't want to. Forever. He had promised her forever. What had happened? She was about to bombard Phoebe with more questions that ultimately Phoebe couldn't answer when she heard a knock on the door. 

"Hold that thought," she told her friend and wiped the remaining tears form her cheeks. She stood up and walked to the front door and pulled it open.

"Hi." 

"Hi." 

"Can we talk?"

"Come in," and Monica stepped aside to let someone she had not expected to see in. "What is there to talk about?"

__

Why did you mess with forever?

Such a long time

to be unkind

why did you mess with forever?

*~ This chapter was going to be longer, but I really wanted to have a cliffhanger there, so the rest of the song will be in the next chapter which I have already commenced, but none-the-less will not post if I don't get at least....um....7 reviews, I finally have succumb to threatening you all. If that's what it takes, so be it : ) !*~


	4. Don't you call me cruel

~Looks like threatening worked! Yay, and thanks for reviewing. Do it again. I've had an incredibly busy week and a half, you'd think with no school I'd have tons of free time, well, you would be mistaken, and it's okay because fanfiction.net was down anyway. So I finally finished this (actually ten minutes before I'm supposed to go out, and I was supposed to be getting ready, oops.) and you can read it. Anyhoo, here's the next part and the rest of the song.~

Disclaimer: I'll return them as soon as I am finished I promise, but as of now, I don't own them.

Joey shifted his weight (AN: you all thought it was Chandler, didn't you?). 

"Not that I'm not happy to see you," Monica quickly covered up and let him inside the house. 

"I just wanted to talk to you about Chandler," he said quietly. "Can we talk alone?"

"Yes, hold on," Monica told him and walked back into the room where Phoebe was sitting waiting patiently for an answer to who was at the door. 

"Whose there?"

"Joey."

"What's he doing here?" She asked jumping to her feet and running out into the hallway and threw her arms around him. 

"Hi Pheebs," he said laughing. 

"Joey! What are you doing here?"

"I need to talk to Monica," he said looking at Monica.

"Oh, well, let me leave then," Phoebe gathered her things and gave Monica a kiss on the cheek. "Call me later." And with that she was gone. Monica and Joey went into the living room and sat down on the couches and she looked at him and waited for him to start.

"Mon," he said. "I have to get this off my chest. I've been talking to Chandler since he left. I knew where he was. I've known all along." She was taken back and took a minute to regain her posture. 

"You knew and you didn't tell me?" 

"I'm so sorry, Monica, he made me promise, but Monica, he's sorry. He wants to come back, he wants you back." 

"Joey...I...when did he say this?"

"Two weeks ago...."

"You were here last week and you didn't tell me that you had spoken to my husband and he wanted to come back?" 

"I'm sorry," he repeated. Monica was shaking her head. "He wants to see you. Here." Joey handed her a crumpled piece of paper with Chandler's address on it. 

"Joey...how do I go? How do I look him in the eyes and decide whether or not to forgive him? A year! He's been gone a year!"

"I know. And I'm not going to tell you what to do, that's not my job. That's up to you to decide. Do you want to go to him or not? Do you want to forgive him and let him back into your life and let him be a father to your children or not?"

"You make me sound like the villain. I'm not the cruel one. This is cruel. Making me do this. I stayed. I stayed in my marriage with my children. I followed the rules. This isn't fair! How do I go to him and tell him goodbye? How do I tell him that I can't forgive him for what he's done? Why should I forgive him for what he's done?"

"Because you love him," Joey's answer was so simple and so correct. She did. She loved him with everything that she had. 

"This wasn't the way it was supposed to happen. Everything went according to plan. We fell in love, dated, got married, had a few kids, and we were happy. I was happy, and I thought he was too."

"He was."

"No. He wasn't, because he left. Happy people don't leave their wife and three kids."

"Monica," Joey was debating whether or not to tell her. 

"What?"

"He was clinically depressed." (AN: I totally agreed with all of you that said there had to be a good reason for him to leave and I didn't want him dying of a fatal disease, so this will have to do)

"What?"

"He's been on medication now for a year. He wanted to tell you, he wanted to make you know....it wasn't you, sweetie. It really wasn't." Her head was spinning.

"No...because I would have known that. I would have known that if it were true."

"Didn't he become more and more despondent? He would have his good days and his bad days?"

"But...he was under so much stress at work, I just figured...." her voice trailed off trying to figure it out. She couldn't, it just wasn't working.

"Monica," Joey held out his arms and she fell into them and sobbed. Her body heaved with the sobs that she was finally letting out. 

"I have to go to him," she decided and wiped the tears from her eyes and gave Joey a kiss on the cheek. "Watch the kids for me." She picked up the piece of paper and disappeared out the door.

__

Don't you call me cruel

cruel is what you're making me do

I stick to my rules

I'm at odds with me now

Do I look my love in the eyes and say goodbye?

Monica got to the door and reached up her hand to knock. The achingly familiar voice called out that he would be right there. She shifted her weight and when she heard him approach the door she panicked and began to walk away. The door swung open and Chandler stepped out.

"Monica?" He asked in surprise. She spun back around and came face to face with him.

"Chandler...I..."

"Joey came to see you." It wasn't a question. It was a comment. "I knew that he would."

"Did you mean it?"

"What?"

"That you wanted to come back?"

"Monica, there wasn't a damn day that I didn't want to come back."

"But you told me, when I saw you, that some nights you regretted it."

"I regretted it every day. I just thought, I was so stupid. I thought it would be easier on all of us if you were angry with me."

"I was angry with you," she admitted. "You succeeded."

"I didn't want to."

"I didn't want you to."

"I'm sorry."

"So am I." She turned to leave and he ran after her.

"Do you want to come in?" 

"Not really."

"We can talk," he offered. "About everything." She glanced at her watch. There were a thousand things that she wanted to know. She slowly nodded her head.

"I guess, but I can't stay very long."

"The kids?"

"Yeah."

"Okay," he said and moved aside so that she could enter the apartment. She noticed that it was clean and that surprised her. A table was covered with papers and a laptop was opened and when she looked at Chandler again she saw a pen stuck behind his ear and his glasses were on and he was wearing a t-shirt that wasn't tucked in. He looked the part of a writer. She wrung her hands together. This was his life. The life without her. Monica didn't know if she could handle this. But she sat down anyway on the couch and he sat down on a chair and they both stared at each other groping for something to say.

__

Before I'm on my way

I've one more thing to ask

Was it worth the price you paid

for my never coming back?

Why did you mess with forever?

What a long time to be unkind

Why did you mess with forever?

As they were sitting there, the door swung open and a woman came hurling in.

"Uh, hi," she said. Monica looked at the woman. She had red, curly hair that was pulled back into a ponytail and glasses were perched on the top of her head. She was wearing jeans and a gray pull-over sweatshirt. Monica looked down at her own clothes. As she had gotten older and her kids had been born, Monica had gone conservative. She was wearing black pants and a beige turtleneck under a black jacket. She felt completely out of place with the two of them in their casual, comfortable clothing. Chandler looked from his wife to the woman that came in.

"Uh, Monica...this is Kristi," he said and he stood up and walked over to the red-headed Kristi. "Kristi, this is my wife, Monica." Monica saw the woman's stares and shifted in her seat. 

"Oh, so you're Monica?" Kristi asked with a hint of sarcasm. "So very nice to meet you." Monica stood up and looked from her husband to the woman standing next to him.

"Chandler, maybe I should go," she said.

"Monica, wait, we need to talk still."

"I don't think that there is anything to talk about anymore," Monica said pulling on her coat and picking up her purse. Kristi finally sighed.

"I just came to pick up the copy of the article, I'll be going now," she said and grabbed the folder from Chandler's desk and hurried out of the apartment. 

"Are you sleeping with her?" Monica was never one for subtlety and she came right out and asked what she wanted to know. 

"Monica, we've been separated for a year," Chandler said and didn't want to fight with her about this. The truth was that he had slept with her once. And only once. It had never had happened again. "No."

"Are you lying?"

"No." He looked her in the eyes and told her this. He wasn't sleeping with her. He had slept with her. Once. Singular. 

"Chandler," she said. "I don't know what to believe anymore. Did Joey tell the truth? Are you.." she didn't finish. She didn't have to.

"Would that make things better?" He asked. 

"Chandler, you could have told me. You should have told me. I would have helped you!"

"I tried to, but you didn't want to..." he started, but she interrupted him in mid-sentence. 

"Don't blame me," she said. "You were still wrong. Regardless of whatever else happened. You were still wrong. You still left."

"I know," he said once more. He sighed. "I lost you didn't I?"

"You didn't lose me," she said and headed towards the door. "You gave me up. There's a difference." She opened the door and closed it leaving him standing in the apartment wishing things had gone differently. Wishing that he had been smarter and known then what he knew now. But all the if only's in the world weren't going to bring her back.

__

You ask to kiss me once goodbye

but you already did that with somebody else's lips

Tell the tiny chemicals

the ones you hold responsible

they lost me

you lost me

Monica got into her car and leaned her head back against the seat and let the tears fall down her face in rapid succession. She hastily wiped them away and pulled out and headed towards home. When she got there she reached for her compact and wiped any remaining traces of the tears and stepped out into the fresh air. She opened the door and was bombarded by Gracie.

"Hey sweetie," she said leaning down and picking her up and holding her close. 

"Hi Mommy," she said. "Everyone is here. Uncle Ross and Aunt Rachel and Uncle Joey and Aunt Phoebe and Uncle David. They're all in the kitchen waiting for you. Where did you go?"

"No where baby," she said and set her back on the ground and went into the kitchen to find all her friends sitting at the table looking at her for an explanation. She tried to smile, but the tears began falling again and Phoebe took Grace off her and Rachel enveloped her in a hug. 

"It's going to be okay," she told Monica as she rocked her back and forth like she would with her daughter. 

"How?" Monica sobbed. "How is it going to be okay?" She sat down and Rachel got her a glass of water. "I should have known. I should have seen it coming. He was always sleeping, he was always tired. He never wanted to go out or do anything. I should have figured it out. I was too wrapped up in everything else to notice that there was something seriously wrong." 

"Honey, listen to me, you didn't know. You didn't do anything wrong. Remember you asked him to go to the doctor's. You knew something was wrong. He told you it was a virus." Monica felt like it was all her fault. Her fault he was depressed, her fault that he left her and the kids. Her fault. The doorbell rang and she slowly rose to answer it. 

"Monica?" Chandler stood on the other side and she could see that he had been crying. "I still need to talk to you." She looked back at her friends and grabbed her coat. 

"Come on," she said and they climbed into her car and she drove to a park. After awhile they began to talk. Both had tears coming down their cheeks and it took everything she had not to throw her arms around him and tell him what her friends had been telling her. That it would be okay. They would be okay. He was better now. He was on medication. He was happy. But she couldn't. She just couldn't do that. 

__

Now everything inside me tells me I should run to you

and throw my arms around you

hold your streaming crying cheeks against my own

and tell you nothing's wrong

"You should have told me," she said softly.

"I wanted to."

"We would have been okay Chandler. We would have gotten help and we would have been okay." He wasn't looking at her. He was staring out the window at the woods. 

"I know."

"You know? That's all you're going to say? You know that you were wrong?"

"I'm sorry."

"You said that already." She calmed herself down and rubbed her hands on her arms in an effort to warm herself. She turned back on the car and put on the heat. 

"I don't know what else to say Monica. All I can tell you is that I'm sorry. I'm sorry I left. I shouldn't of. I've been taking pills and they help, and I just wanted to see if there was something left to save."

"A year ago Chandler, there was something to save. We were going on strong. You just should of told me." 

"What difference would it have made?" 

"A huge one!" She screamed. 

"Monica, I needed this year to myself. Even if I would have told you that I was sick, I probably would have left still. I felt so inadequate."

"Inadequate?"

"Yes, Monica, I never thought that I deserved you. Never. Even after the kids were born I still had this fear that I didn't deserve you. And when I found out that I was sick, well, I...I thought that it would be better for you if I left. If you didn't have to deal with a depressed husband."

"Oh Chandler," she whispered. "I would have taken you anyway that I could." She put her hand on his cheek and let his tears slip over her fingers and he put his hand over top hers and they just sat there for awhile very quietly. 

__

But wrong is what you were when you forgot

that we were going on

that we were going on

that we were going strong

"So what now?" Chandler was the first to speak up. Monica let her hand fall from his face and shivered.

"I don't know."

"Can you forgive me?"

"I think so...but Chandler, a year. You've been gone a whole year."

"I know," he said softly.

"I....I...I just don't know."

"I can deal with that." She nodded.

"I need some time to think," she added.

"Okay," he said. "Why don't you take me home? And then you can call me when you know?" There was no sarcasm in his voice. It was honesty. He honestly was okay with her taking as much time as she needed to figure it out. After all, he had taken a year.

"Okay," Monica told him and pulled out and onto the street. "Okay." She dropped him off and then headed back home and sighed as she recounted what had happened in the car to her friends.

"So what are you going to choose?" Ross asked gently. Monica closed her eyes. 

"I need to go lay down," she said and went up to her room and laid on the bed and cried. When she finally stopped crying, she felt cleansed and she knew what she wanted to do. She picked up the phone and dialed the number.

"Chandler?" She said into the phone. "I've made my decision."

__

Tell me why did you mess with forever?

what a long time to be unkind

tell me why did you mess with forever?

*~ I love cliffhangers, don't you? Please review, it would make me happy. And of course you want to do that! So review!~*


	5. I Know You by Heart

~*This one is a little different because it's more in Chandler's point of view. And there are flashbacks. The song is by Eva Cassidy. Please review!~*

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters or the song...yeah, I think that's about it. 

"You made a decision?" Chandler asked. "So fast?" 

"Well, I just had to think about it like this," Monica said. "Did I still love you? Yes. More than anything. What would my life be like with you? Well, a roller coaster ride full of emotions, and fights and tears and laughter. And what would my life be without you?" 

"What was the answer?" He held his breath waiting for her to reply.

"Nothing. There was no answer. It was blank Chandler. My life without you was blank."

"So what does that mean?"

"It means that I want you to come home." A smile broke onto his face and he let out a sigh of relief. 

"Do you mean that?" He wanted to be sure that she was making the right choice.

"I mean it, Chandler," she assured him. "Please come home to your children. Come home to me." He let out a yell, which surprised her. "That was a good yell, right?" 

"Absolutely!" He told her and closed his eyes. "When?"

"What?"

"When? When do you want me to come home?" 

"Whenever you want," she whispered. "Just come home." 

"Okay," he said. "I'll be home soon." He hung up the phone and sat back and smiled. How long had he waited to utter those words. He'd be home soon. He'd be home soon. Oh God, how he missed her. His kids, of course, he missed them terribly. But Monica. He couldn't find the right words to grasp how much he had missed her. The thing with Kristi. The one night stand had been a mistake. Everything he had done without her had been a mistake. He couldn't wait to hold her again. He couldn't wait to hug his kids again. Throw the ball with Tom. Have a tea party with Gracie and Lily. Did Lily still have tea parties? He would find out. He went over to a box that he kept in the closet and pulled it out. He set it down on the table and began to leaf through it's contents. He pulled out a photograph of Monica out in the snow with Tom. Tom was only two years old in the picture. Both of their cheeks were red from the cold and they were making a snowman. Or attempting to make a snowman. He smiled remembering that day. 

__

Eight years before:

"Chandler! Put the camera down and come help us," Monica ordered. She squealed when Tom threw snow at her. "Who taught him that?" 

"Don't look at me!" Chandler said laughing as he threw a fist full of snow at her. 

"Oh, so the camera is just a shield? Are you scared of me?" 

"No! I'm scared at the massive snowball you'll throw at me." She shrugged.

"I wasn't going to throw anything," she lied. 

"I see the snowball behind your back," he said. 

"Oh, you do, do you?" She giggled and tossed the snow to him. He caught in one hand and whipped it back at her. She grabbed Tom and held him up as a shield. 

"That's cheating!" Chandler accused her.

"Hey, I just wanted to hug my baby boy," Monica said and she spun around with Tom in her arms. Chandler took a photograph of her looking at Tom and Tom was laughing. After they had made a snowman...or what could pass for a snowman, they went inside and made hot chocolate. They sat down in front of the fire and Monica leaned back against Chandler and Tom had his head in his mother's lap. They stayed there until after Tom had fallen asleep and well into the night Monica and Chandler stayed up talking. She eventually drifted off as well and he was content watching the fire dance off their sleeping faces and listening to their steady breathing. She stirred and glanced up at him and smiled. 

"Should we try to get up and go to bed?" She asked. He shook his head. 

"No," he said. "Let's just stay here." 

"Okay," she said softly. "We'll just stay here." He traced a line over her face and she stopped his traveling hand and kissed it before closing her eyes again and slipping into sleep again. 

Midnights in winter

a glowing fire

lights up your face in orange and gold

I see your sweet smile

shine through the darkness

it's line is etched in my memory

so I'd know by heart

Chandler placed the pictures of her and Tom in the snow and picked up the next pile of photographs. The one on top signified the event, in this case it was the baptism of Lily. He was holding her and smiling at the camera. His first baby girl. His little girl, his princess. He had been so excited when they found out that they were going to have a girl. It was amazing holding the little girl in his arms for the first time and knowing, although he would die for Tom too, that he would do anything in his power to protect her. Not just her life, but her innocence, her purity. His little girl. He sighed. He failed her too. He failed to protect her. But he would change all that now. He was going back and he would never leave them again. Chandler rubbed his temples and knew that he should start packing. He put the pictures back in the box, but didn't put the box back on the shelf, instead he left it sitting on the table and went into his bedroom and pulled out a box and threw his clothes from the closet into it. He sat down on the bed and took a moment before clearing out his dresser. There was a knock on the door that caught his attention and he left the messy room to answer it. He was shocked to find Monica on the other side of it. 

"Hi," she said softly. "The kids are with Ross and Rachel." 

"Oh. What are you doing here?"

"I just thought...well, when you get back, the kids are going to want to...I mean...I just thought that we could spend some us time before I threw you to the wolves." Chandler smiled at her nervousness and took her into his arms. He kissed her. A deep, long kiss that he had waited a year to do. She stumbled backwards, breathless before he swept her into his arms and took her into the bedroom. 

"I'm sorry," he said again. He didn't think he could say enough times for her to realize that he meant it. He gently set her down on the bed and kissed her again and fumbled with the buttons of her shirt before she laughed and helped him out. 

"Maybe Ross and Rachel could keep them tonight?" Monica managed to gasp out. 

"That's a good idea," Chandler said. "Call." He thrust the phone in her direction and she dialed and asked if they could stay the night.

"Sure," Rachel replied knowing that Monica and Chandler needed this time together. 

"Thanks Rach," Monica told her and hung up the phone. "The kids are taken care of for tonight." 

She woke up in a place that she was sure that she would never be again. In his arms. They were wrapped tightly around her and she smiled and rolled over to face him and woke him up by kissing his lips.

"Morning," she said. He grinned without opening his eyes. 

"Good morning," he repeated and leaned over and kissed her back. "I don't think I've ever gotten a good morning this good before."

"Oh, I think that you have," she said laughing wrapping the sheet around her body and sliding out of his reach. "I'm going to go get dressed."

"Okay," he said. "I'll make breakfast."

"You learned how to make breakfast?" 

"It was either that or spend a fortune on take-out in the morning." At this she threw her head back and laughed and it turned to crying as she sank to the floor and all her emotions spilled out. 

"What's the matter?" Chandler ran to her horrified. "Are you okay?"

"I just...I missed you so much," she replied softly and he gathered her, sheet and all, into his arms and rocked her back and forth. "But you left me. Chandler." She wanted him back. She wanted things to go back to the way they were before. And she realized that they couldn't. They couldn't just jump into this without taking some time. At least if it wasn't for them, for their kids. Especially Tom who had never forgiven his father for not taking him with him. He was allowed to leave, how many times Tom had wanted to run from his sisters or his mother, but his father had left him. Chandler nodded and lifted her chin in his hands.

"Why don't we take a walk and talk?" 

"That sounds perfect," she smiled at him. They both dressed and hand in hand walked through the streets talking about everything that had happened in the past year. Chandler talked about what had happened and how he had finally snapped and took his things and was gone. Monica told him about the kids until she looked at her watch and realized it was no longer morning. Chandler led her back to his apartment and she jumped into her car and sped off to collect her kids and then would be back for him later. He had packing left to do. 

__

Mornings in April

sharing our secrets

we'd walk until the morning was gone

we were like children

laughing for hours

the joy you gave me lives on and on

cause I know you by heart

Chandler was left alone again in his apartment and resumed packing. Memories were flooding his mind. But these ones weren't good ones. These weren't snow days or baptisms. These were while he was alone. 

__

Nine months before:

Chandler got back from the store and set the bag on the counter. It was August and it was hot in his apartment. The air conditioner was on the fritz again, although he called and complained several times to the super. He started putting the groceries away and pulled out the cheese he had bought. It was the kind Lily liked, the kind in single sheets. Monica always bought that kind for her. Chandler rubbed his temples and placed them on the shelf. It seemed like he had left forever ago. He put the milk in the fridge and closed the door and decided to call it a night. He turned on the fan in his bedroom and let the air circulate around the room. A voice called out from the streets. It sounded so familiar that he jumped up and ran to the window to peer out at the street below. He saw where the voice was coming from and it wasn't a petit brunette, it was a tall blonde. He sighed and went back to bed. He rolled over and hugged a pillow to himself. He had to remind himself that he had brought this upon himself. He had left her, not the other way around. Anything that he felt was a product of his actions. He hated these nights. Nights were the worst, knowing she was out there and he wasn't with her.

Autumn came around, and he remembered how much she loved autumn. She told him once that she thought it was the most romantic time of the year.

"All those leaves," she said once and closed her eyes and smiled at him. "They look so pretty. The bright colors everywhere. It's just gorgeous." He was walking home one night when he bumped into someone. He hadn't been paying attention and he snapped his head up to apologize profusely. 

"I'm sorry..." It was her. She looked just the same. Oh God, was she beautiful. 

"Monica?"

"Chandler?" 

"What are you doing here?"

"I think I can ask you the same thing."

"I live here," he said softly. 

"Oh." She was shivering and rubbed her hands over her arms. 

"Are you cold? Why don't you come up to my apartment and get warm?" He suggested.

"No thanks," she said. "I have to go relieve the babysitter."

"Oh, how are the kids?"

"They're okay. They're good."

"I'm sorry."

"I see....well, I really don't care, so I'm gonna go," she turned to leave and was almost a block away when she turned back around. He bit his lip waiting for her to run back to him. Wrap her slender arms around his neck and allow him to kiss her like he had wanted to for almost nine months. "Chandler?" She called. He turned back around. 

"What?"

"Was it worth it? Do you regret leaving?" Oh, how could he explain to her how much that he did. He gave a short nod of his head. But then, she would think that she had done something wrong. He remembered his plan, to have her mad at him. Not have her think that she might have done something wrong at all. He did the only thing he could think of. He lied.

"Some nights." She turned on her heels angry with him and stormed away. He watched her go and then buried his head in his hands and continued back to his apartment. He took the long way and stopped under a tree and looked up into it's maze of colorful branches. A sigh escaped from his lips as he closed his eyes. 

__

I still hear your voice

on warm summer nights

whispering like the wind

you left in Autumn

the leaves were turning

I walked down of orange and gold

Chandler taped the last box and set it in the living room. Joey was still in town and was coming over with Monica to help him move. The knock on the door signified that they were there and he answered. Monica smiled at him. Her smile lit up her face and she threw her arms around him. 

"I've waited a year for this," she said grinning. 

"Me too," he said and held her tightly against him and took a deep breath and was rewarded with the sweet smell of her. The perfume mixed with Dove soap and the shampoo she used. After they broke apart, Joey took his friend and hugged him.

"I'm glad you finally came to your senses," he teased and Chandler and Monica both laughed. Their laughter mixed together and they knew that this was right. This was the way it was supposed to be. It was so simple. The answer to all his problems was her and he was finally doing the right thing. He was finally fixing everything he had done wrong. 

He was going home. 

__

I saw your sweet smile

I heard your laughter

your still here beside me everyday

cause I know you by heart

cause I know you by heart

~* I don't know whether or not to end it there. I think I'm going to write more about him going home, but review and tell me what you think! Thanks!~*


	6. It's Going to be Okay

~Hello all! I just thought I let you know my summer goal, which was not to wake up before nine once this summer. So far, I haven't broken it! Here's the next part, please review! I know you're all capable of it.~

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters, I swear. But if anyone would like to pitch in and help me buy them I would be appreciative. 

Chandler stood outside the door to his house and looked up. Monica squeezed his hand. 

"It'll be fine," she whispered into his ear. "They'll be so happy to see you." He wasn't so sure, but he nodded and prayed she was right. He worried about Tom the most. Tom had certainly inherited his mother's stubborn streak and could turn a cold shoulder when he wanted to. Chandler was sure that he would be the hardest to accept his coming back. The girls would be easy. They were easily bribed. But Tom. Tom would be rough on him. And not that he didn't deserve it, he most certainly did, but Chandler didn't know if he could handle being rejected by Tom. It was almost too much. Monica opened the door and gave him a kiss on the cheek before stepping in. 

"Gracie? Lily? Tom? Where are you guys?"

"Mommy!" She heard Gracie from the family room and Monica grinned at Chandler and raced back to see her. Gracie jumped into Monica's arms and Monica spun her around. 

"Hi, guys," she said to Lily and Tom. Lily came over and began to talk extremely fast. 

"Can I get a puppy? Please? Uncle Ross might get Emma one. I want one Mom, please? Can I get one?" Lily was jumping up and down in front of Monica. 

"We'll see," Monica said and gave the top of Lily's head a kiss. "Tom? Can you turn that off for a minute?" Tom shrugged and turned off the television and turned to face his mother. "I have something to tell you guys." 

"What? Is it that we can get a puppy?" Lily asked.

"You have a one track mind, don't you?" Monica asked grinning. "No, it's that you dad wrote to you guys." Tom stiffened. "He wants to come back, and I want to let him. He's here now, waiting to see you. " Tom crossed his arms in a defensive stance. 

"You didn't ask us!" Tom accused.

"Tom, he's sorry. He's so sorry," Monica started. The girls didn't know what to do, they looked from their mother to their brother. 

"I don't want to see him! I don't want him back," Tom yelled. "He left us! He left me!" Monica saw that her son was not angry as much as hurting. It still hurt him immensely that his father had left him. Monica let go of Grace and Lily and went to Tom and let him fall into her arms and held him. She hadn't held him since the night Chandler had left, Tom had insisted that he was too old to be hugged by his mother after that. But today he had fallen and let her rock him back and forth and smooth his hair and cry his heart out. 

"He's truly sorry, Tom. He was sick, he's on medication now and he wants you back, he wants us back. He wants us to be a family again." 

"But...but...." Tom was sobbing and Monica rubbed his back. "What if he leaves again?" Monica stopped. She believed Chandler when he had said that he would never leave again, but realized his actions certainly spoke louder then his words. But she would trust him, because she had to. Because she would fall apart if she didn't.

"Honey, I trust him. I love him, and I missed him. And I know that you did too." She stopped and looked Tom in the eyes. "Will you at least give him another chance?" She saw him waver. "For me at least Tom?" Tom wiped at his eyes and nodded. "Can I bring him in?" She turned to face her girls who nodded and then looked at Tom again.

"Can you give me a minute?" He asked. 

"Take as much time as you want," Monica told him and she stood up and let him take care of himself. After a few minutes Tom looked at her. 

"You can bring him in now," he said softly. She nodded and kissed his forehead, to which he didn't object. She gave the girls a hug and then walked back into the living room where Chandler was nervously sitting. 

"So?" He stood up when she walked in.

"They would like to see you," she said and smiled at him. A reassuring smile. "It's going to be okay." He swallowed hard and nodded and tried to copy her smile unsuccessfully. He walked into the family room where his three kids were sitting on the couch. A lump formed in his throat. How could he have possibly thought he could live his life without them? The girls that looked so much like Monica and Tom. His son. The one with the sharp wit and sarcastic mouth that was a replica's of his father's. He dropped to his knees and Gracie flew into his arms. She was too young to really grasp that he had left them, had left her. She was just happy to see her father. 

"Hi Daddy! Where've you been? I missed you. Guess what? I started to dance like Lily. I'm going to be a primo donner. That's what Mommy says anyways, and Aunt Rachel calls me her little Pavlova. Who's that?" Lily was the next one to abandon the hurt feelings that his leaving had caused and ran to him her dark hair flying behind her. She stopped short of him and looked at her feet and then shyly at him again. 

"Hi Daddy," it was so soft it was almost a whisper. Chandler set Grace on the ground and picked Lily up and spun her around. 

"Hi Lil! Oh, I've missed you. Oh God, have I missed you!" She giggled and hugged him tightly around his neck. 

"We've missed you too," Lily replied.

"Specially Mommy," Gracie said. "She cried a lot for awhile." Chandler stole a glance at Monica who blushed and looked at the ground. 

"Sorry Mon," he said and she shrugged it off, but he could see fresh tears glistening in her eyes. He set Lily back on the floor next to Gracie who ran to their mother to watch the reunion or lack of one between Tom and Chandler. 

"Hi Tom." Chandler stood in front of him and Monica bit her lip. No one said anything for a minute. Tom continued to look at his father with an angry expression on his face so that Monica doubted that he would forgive him. Then he lunged forward and hugged his father tightly. Monica smiled and wiped her eyes. 

"Dad?" Tom looked up at Chandler.

"Yeah Tom?" Chandler asked. 

"Don't ever do that to Mom again," he told him fiercely. 

Chandler laid in bed with his arms around Monica. Gracie had fallen asleep next to Monica, who had her arms wrapped around her tiny body. Lily was stretched across their feet and Tom had brought his sleeping bag into the room. Chandler leaned up on one elbow to watch them all sleep. Monica's and Grace's bodies were completely in sync. Their chests were rising and falling at the same time. For the thousandth time that day, a feeling of guilt washed over him and he had a bitter taste in his mouth. Monica stirred and looked up at him. 

"Hey you," she said softly. 

"Hi," he whispered. He kissed her temple. 

"Are you okay?" She asked studying him. 

"I guess," he replied. "I shouldn't have left."

"I know that, and you know that. But what's done is done Chandler."

"But they....they forgave so easily, you forgave so easily."

"We missed you. We love you. We wanted you back. They might be in therapy for awhile, but I'm sure no lasting damage has been done," she tried to lighten the mood.

"What about you?" He asked. "What lasting damage have I done to you?"

"Well, I guess I learned that we are not infallible. I mean, Monica and Chandler, we were the perfect couple. I guess I learned that we're not. We can fall apart, and when we did...I mean fall apart....we fell hard." He tightened his grip around her. 

"I'm sorry I did Monica. I'm sorry I made us fallible."

"I think we always were, you just made it obvious." He thought about what she said awhile after he turned to see that her breathing had evened out again and she was fast asleep. He wished again for the millionth time that he could take back what he had done. He wished that he had never left. This was impossible, but he still wanted it. He lay in bed that night with his family and knew that while they might have forgiven him, he had a long way to go before he could forgive himself. 

Monica got up the next morning and saw that her children had already gotten up and left the room. Chandler was still fast asleep and she slipped out of bed without waking him and snuck quietly out of the room and down the hallway. She saw the Gracie was in her own room trying on clothes and she laughed and went in to help her pick out an outfit. 

"Here baby," she told Grace holding up a shirt and pair of pants. 

"Thanks Mommy," she chirped happily and took them from Monica's hands and Monica left her to find Lily and Tom. Tom was already outside playing basketball and Lily was in the kitchen with their housekeeper eating breakfast. 

"Good morning Mrs. Bing," Rose said to her when she took her seat next to Lily.

"Morning," Monica mumbled and smiled. "Any coffee?" Rose handed her a mug filled to the top. "That's why you're my favorite." Rose laughed and turned around to clean up from making breakfast. 

"Tom ate already," Rose told her. Monica nodded. "And Lily told me that we have another household member again." Monica gave a small smile and nodded. 

"He's still sleeping," she said and looked up at the ceiling. 

"I'm glad he's back," Rose said and gave Monica a wink. She didn't ask any questions and Monica was thankful because she didn't really know the answers to them. She gratefully drank her coffee and then checked on Tom, made sure that Gracie had eaten and went upstairs to her room to wake up her husband. Her husband. It was good to be able to use that word again without crying. She hopped onto the bed and kissed his cheek. 

"Rise and shine!" She whispered into his ear. 

"I'll rise, but I'll be damned if I'll shine," Chandler mumbled. She grinned and gave him another kiss, this time square on the mouth. He opened his eyes and smiled at her. "Hi."

"Hi." Monica shifted her weight off the bed. "I have to go to the restaurant." She walked to the closet and pulled an outfit and sat on the edge of the bed as she slipped out of her pajamas and into the clothes. 

"Who stays here with the kids?" Chandler asked. "Does Rose still work for us?" Monica grinned and nodded. 

"She's downstairs making her famous breakfast as we speak." 

"Oh!" Chandler hopped out of bed and gave his wife a kiss before speeding down the stairs to eat. Monica finished getting ready and joined them in the kitchen. She grabbed another cup of coffee and gave Gracie and Lily kisses and waved to Rose and Chandler as she slipped out the door and into her car. She rode to work silently and then climbed out of the car and walked inside. She was surprised to see Joey waiting for her inside eating breakfast. 

"I love having a friend who owns a restaurant," he told her grinning. "It's probably the most fantastic career you could have chosen."

"Good morning to you too Joey," she said and gave him a kiss on the top of his head as he devoured the meal in front of him. She glanced around at the small Saturday breakfast crowd. 

]"How are you Monica?" He asked. 

"Me? I'm good." She paused. "I'm much better than I have been." He smiled at her and continued to eat. 

Monica got home that night and walked into her house and saw that Chandler and the kids were playing the game Life. 

"Hey! Come on, Tom, can't you loan me a little money? You're a millionaire and I have these three kids in the backseat," Chandler was begging his son. 

"Nope Dad, it's your fault that you didn't think of the future when you had them," Tom replied laughing. 

"Fine, hear that screaming? That's because my three kids are starving. If you don't want them to eat, that's fine," Chandler teased and looked up to see Monica standing in the doorway.

"Hi," she said softly. He smiled at her. 

"Hi honey, how was the restaurant?" 

"It was good, busy day," she told him. 

"Come join our game Mom," Tom said and he moved over on the bench at the kitchen table to allow her to slide in. 

"Mommy, you can help me," Gracie said and she grinned at Monica. "Daddy's been helping, but I think he's stealing my money." Monica laughed at this and Chandler looked sheepish. 

"Hey, it's a fee," he defended himself and the rest of his family laughed. 

"It's okay Chandler," Monica told him. And it was. It was okay. It was finally okay. 

~I had such writer's block towards the end of this. I'm done though!!!! Yay for me! Please, please, please leave a review. I'm begging you now, are you happy?~ 


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